What makes someone truly successful? Is it wealth, recognition, or something deeper? Recently, I reread Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, a book that explores the factors behind extraordinary achievement. I first read it about ten years ago, and many of its key points stayed with me - especially the famous 10,000-hour rule. This time, however, what stood out most was the story of Roseto, a small town in the U.S. with unusually low rates of cardiovascular disease. What made Roseto residents healthier wasn’t genetics, exercise, or diet - researchers found that the town’s unique culture and strong sense of community were the key factors behind this phenomenon.
This story resonated with me on a personal level. It made me think about the times in my life when strong relationships and a sense of belonging had the most profound impact on my wellbeing far beyond any career achievement or milestone. It reinforced the idea that, as social beings, we need friends, family, and community especially as we get older and not only to survive but to thrive. The Roseto example reminded me of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness. Its key finding? Relationships and social connections are the most significant predictors of long-term happiness and well-being. Quality mattered more than quantity - close, supportive relationships contributed to emotional resilience, physical health, and overall life satisfaction.
During a discussion with some friends about the book, I mentioned how the Roseto example stood out to me because it highlighted the importance of building a circle of support and nurturing deep, lasting relationships - something that feels more critical to me at this stage of my life than simply chasing success. One of my friends challenged me, saying, “Why is that? Success and happiness aren’t separate for me - they go hand in hand. I wouldn’t consider something a success if it didn’t bring me happiness. Don’t you see it the same way?”
That question made me reflect. Success and happiness are often intertwined, but they aren’t necessarily the same. Consider someone like Kurt Cobain, Nirvana frontman, or Chester Bennington, lead vocalist of Linkin Park, both widely regarded as successful, yet they struggled with inner turmoil and eventually took thier own life. Their stories highlight how external success doesn’t always translate to personal fulfillment.
We tend to define success through external achievements - career milestones, financial stability, or recognition. But my friend saw success as something that also had to bring happiness. He also pointed out that his definition of success had changed over time: when he was younger, success meant getting a great job and building a family; later, it became about raising great kids; and now, it’s tied to their success and well-being.
When I think about it, I still see them as two different things, and here’s why: there are many highly successful people who are not happy. Does this mean they set the wrong optimization function? Or are success and happiness just separate? My friend’s argument - “Can you actually consider someone successful if they’re not happy?” - made me pause. My answer is yes.
There are many ways to measure success: career, wealth, family, fame, impact. But happiness is different. Naval Ravikant talks about this distinction. He believes success comes from doing what you love and are uniquely good at, while happiness is a skill - something to be cultivated. True happiness, according to Naval, comes from removing the constant sense that something is missing. It’s about inner peace, managing desires, and detaching from the endless pursuit of external validation.
Naval’s perspective is particularly relevant because he challenges the traditional definitions of success and happiness. He argues that success is an external pursuit, while happiness is an internal state—one that can be cultivated regardless of external achievements. A few of his quotes stand out:
“Happiness is what’s there when you remove the sense that something is missing in your life.”
“Happiness is being satisfied with what you have. Success comes from dissatisfaction. Choose.”
“Happiness = Health, Wealth, and Good Relationships.”
At this point in my life, I see success as multifaceted. A person can be successful in one domain but still be unhappy if they lack inner peace. However I like the idea of integrating both - measuring my personal success not just by wealth, career, or relationships, but also by my happiness and satisfaction in these areas.
What about you? Do you see success and happiness as separate, or do they always go together? Looking back at Roseto, their success wasn’t measured by wealth or status, but by the strength of their relationships. Could it be that true success is not what we achieve individually but what we cultivate within our communities?
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